BOO! Did I scare ya??
Read. Enjoy...muahaha
Em Tay
[071191] Fintona Girl's School
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More Blah Than Theory... More Theory Than Reason...
I just read through my blog posts. including ghosts of blog-posts past that have remained as half-finished drafts and those posts that have disappeared into an invisible background. Yes every single one. Because I am sad and bored. Somehow I'm surprised. There are just a few things that have changed since January 2008.
The posts have become progressively less frequent (in fact I do believe I terminated this blog fro the whole of this year). My posts have become more emo.
And for some strange reason my writing is clearly worse than it was two years ago. I'm sitting here trying to think of reasons for that and so far I have come up with a few possibilities:
1. Back then I was a more talkative person with more talkative caucasian friends as opposed to my friendship group with is composed of nearly all asians, of whom (with the east disrespect for what i'm about to say) have a more 'confined' vocabulary.
2. I didn't try as hard. As soon as I started VCE, English, creative writing, Blogging became something with a formulam something that recieved a mark out of ten. It became a chore and I started struggling. Ibelieve that when you think too ahrd about something it nearly always ruins it. I'm against the VCE English course (or maybe just the way my teachers approached it) it killed the small enthusiasm I had for writing.
3. I had more time. and more confidence.
4. I had more interesting things to write about. I re-read my New years Resolutions of '08 -- #3: don't make any new friends. Yes, social retardation really was one of my goals. And I think it worked.
5. I had less influence from outside sources
6. less concern for peope reading
Maybe the reason why my writing has progressively gotten worse is because of a mixture of these factors. Or perhaps it actually hasn't, perhaps the it's me reading these personal accounts of mine now from an outsider's poit of view that makes me admire them.
who knows.
posted by EmTay at
6:15 AM
It's day one of the new year. A new decade. A new life for those of us who just finished 13 years of schooling.
and I feel shit.
Right now I feel like what it must feel like to be dumped. or to catch your boyfriend cheating on you with three other girls.
It's not just the extreme despair and disappointment of finding out that someone who you thought you could always trust is no longer there by your side. It's more than the wave of regret that washes over you, making you see all the things you did wrong, and all the things you shoudl have done to avoid an end like this. It's that feeling of shock- not from realising that it's over, but from waking up to the reality that it ended so long ago. Because with virtually all break ups and not-so happy endings the truth is that you knew all along that this was bond to happen. You just chose not to see it. The truth can be cruel. And denial, well for me at least is like my auto-defense mechanism - I turn it on to prevent the pain, but in the end it comes hits you back 10 fold. And the result? what I'm feeling now. Pathetic.
For me, what's pathetic is that I kid myself into having faith in something that didn't even exist. The truth was there in front of me but instead I picked around the edges at hints that, in my head, formed a completely different picture. The one that I wanted to see. For so long. It should have been over before it began.
I did something low. In the midst of my self pity I spent the last moments of the year in a place that I don't belong. It's a place where time doesn't exist. Movement is blurred by the flashing lights and as the night turns into morning, your body and soul turns numb by the alocohol in the atmosphere. The burn of vodka down your throat is comforting. They take notice of you. Make you feel like someone. Make you feel wanted. But whatever happens in the club vanishes in the real world.
I entered the new year in dreamland.
3
2
1
lights off
My face pressed against a guy I didnt know. Feeling his breath against my own lips, I pulled away and ducked through the darkness in a sea of bodies. That wasn't me. I'm better than that. I wish.
It's funny how a good day can turn to a horrible one in a matter of seconds. One moment. One look. One word. One silence. That's all it takes.
And getting it back together is a painstaking task. Luckily today I found something that soothed my heartache. When I read it I felt like this post was speaking to me. You know what, I'm gonna do exactly what it says, cause right now I don't have much else.
It's a new year. and It's not to late for new beginnings. and new years resolutions.
Unlike usual, I am making my new years resultions with the intention of keeping them. This year there are no half-hearted promises to myself, no hiding from the truth. That's the first one.
I will finish what I've started and start something I've always wanted to do. And I will not shed another tear over my mistakes of '09.
Bring on 2010. It's gonna be a damn good year.
posted by EmTay at
4:56 AM
posted by EmTay at
1:36 AM
The statement was exclaimed to me the other day by a friend trying to describe (and I quote), a feeling, not dissimilar to "having [your] manhood slowly drained right out of your balls 'til they've shrunken to the size of peanuts". Funnily enough, this was provoked by my suggestion to read Twilight (the book) before watching Twilight (the movie)...Which he did in a night. Followed by the second book. And the third. and then, lo and behold, he scoffed it all down with the fourth (which I personally believe should be read only until page 360 and then left. put down. forever. and not touched again for the sake of not having endure an utterly gag-worthy ending - *ignorance is bliss* ey!).
Where was I? So after my initial response which went something like this:
him: "I feel unclean..."
me: "is unclean even a word?!... Well, shrunken certainly isn't. Jeez, what did you learn in highschool? ..douche. "
After that, I dismissed the conversation and went on to talk about more entertaining topics -- "...how sexy is Jacob Black?! =D..."
and that was the end of that.
T H E E N D
just kidding.
Although that conversation did more or less end there, the statement sort of stuck with me.
As of late, I've done some pretty unclean things. The sort of things that you come up with on a spur of the moment high and then drag others into expecting that they'll regect but because they're not that sort of people they dont and then you regret ever opening your mouth in the first place but you go ahead and do the stupid thing and it feels great for the few hours that you're crazy and you fall asleep feeling like youre livng in another dimension only to wake up the next morning. with the consequences piled high. Get me?
So bad it's good. (is one way of putting it)
unclean (is another)
My justification for these moments of madness?
-I'm about to begin 10 months of schooling that the other 11 years have all been leading up to. Basically, the last 4015 days of my life will be a waste if I do anything stupid over the coming year. Expectations are high. Goals are even higher. And the work load - well, that's beyond measuring. So those last few acts of madness was my rash action before it all begins. Everything changes after the new year (chinese new year that is). That's when the already petty social life of mine ends. And year twelve begins.
And you know what?
I'm fucking scared. [there I said it]. I'm scared shitless and I know that my stupidity in the stuff that I've done lately has been fueled by fear more than anything. and the desire for a comforting shoulder.
but at the end of the day all I'm feeling is. unclean.
posted by EmTay at
3:15 AM
1. it's a drug. a DRUG i say!
--- muuuusssst have morrreee.
2. Msn nicks are deceiving
--- anyone who goes by the alias "gL0oMy i3eaR" has got to be dodgy.
3. Dps are LAME
--- there are 3 types of display picture:
type a) the "hey-look-it's-an-artistic-photo-that-i-may-or-may-not-have-taken" pic
type b) the "i-just-want-to-flaunt-my-boobs-to-get-guys" pic
type c) the "i-totally-stole-this-cartoon/avatar/slogan-off-one-of-those-LAME-sites" pic
4. toooo much waiting around for the fat lady to sing
5. MSN breeds disappointment
eg. --situation a) you come home from a day out only to realise that you've accidentally been logged on ALL DAY. Then, to you're utter disappointment you find that NOT A SINGLE PERSON has clicked to say "hello" while you've been on
--situation b) the ONLY person who cares to say "hello" is a random with a virus; "Hey friend! Check out these hot pictures I loaded of you on www.this_is_a_scam.com"
bullllllshit...
6. is it just me or does the time/space continuum operate differently when on msn?
7. I tend to get paranoid when a contact displays a rude prsonal message
--- eg. pm:"you f**ing slut. some friend you are"
me: *argh! could she be refering to ME!?!?!?!?*
8. Msn makes you THINK you have a social life when in reality you just DONT
and all of the above lead to a sad sad life
which is WHY, as of the 26th of January 2008. i am deleting msn
YAY
this is evidence so I don't back out.
posted by EmTay at
3:11 AM
posted by EmTay at
7:59 PM
If you've stumbled across this site don't go without saying hi
Gimme aHOY. spread some JOY =]
links...blinks...thinks...
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
March 2009
January 2010
My list of LISTS
..because everything's better in dot point form
1.The Hush Sound- We Intertwined
This song and *Wine Red* are GOLD
2.Lior- Daniel
*sigh*
3.Tegan & Sara - Where did the Good Go
Snatched this song off the Grey's Soundtrack and i am in LOVE with it! serioulsy, can't get enough of it
4.Joshua Radin - Sky
Another grey's song. i love love love it
5.The Magic Numbers - Morning Eleven
*You're in denial...* - story of my life!. anyway, I like the song, it's HAPPY-- chappy.
6.The Fratellis - Babydoll
This is the song that wakes me up at 7:15 every morning. Its my phone alarm coz it makes me happy to be alive each morn! =)"
7.One Republic - Come Home
My Fav from 'Dreaming Out Loud', only just though.
8.Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. - Lighthouse Keeper
If I had a band, Id want it to have a name like this. Makes me smile whenever I read/hear it =). Anyway, the song is great. as are all the others. I love the guitar part. Although my attempts at it sound rather shiaat compared.
9.Theory Of Value - Picture Perfect
I figured I'd better give this band some creds. Go the Adelaide new guys. I snitched the song from Triple J's 'Unearthed' competition - go check it out! awesomee
10.Modest Mouse - Float On
*I backed my car into a HOOKER the other day~!*. Man, I wish my voice was as retarded as Modest Mouse's
1. Notting Hill
this had to be first up- not necessarily because it is the best of the list, but it was my first ever love affair with RomCom. Many endless summers have been spent watching Notting Hill a million times with the rents and sis
2. Juno
I don't know what it is about it. So weird, so wacky, so alternative. yet not typical. PLUS it has Jen Garner in it. enough said
3. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
Wow. I hated the first hour while watching it (my expectations were completely thrown off). But something happened in the last 10 minutes of this movie [the twist perhaps] that saw it flying up to my list of best Movies ever watched.
4. Suddenly 30
I could watch this one hundred times (and have) and never get sick of it. the spontaneous Thiller dancing is a scene to be admired
5. Just Like Heaven
In the spirit of feel good movies ,and Mat Ruffalo movies I had to include this one. I had a miny obsession with Ruffalo after watching this (and suddenly 30). And then I saw his fingernails.
6. She's the Man
It's soccer. it's comedy. and It's Channing Tatum. enough said.
7. Breakfast At Tiffany's
There's absolutely nothing better than snuggling up with a warm mug of Hot choccie on a winter's day in front of some classic Audrey Hepburn
8. Zoolander
Possibly the most quoted comedy of the 21st century (along with the one below)
9. Dodgeball
10. there are plenty more, it feels wrong to close off the list with a tenth so i'm leaving it black =]
Parmesan Cheese & Granny Smiths.1
Slice the GSs into round slices (like bagel crisps) and dump a slice of Parmesan on top.Trust me, it's *MMMmmmmmmm*.
Blue Cheese & Berry Jam.2
YES, that's Blue cheese- as in the one with MOULD... well I didn't like the taste either until I ate it like this (try Raspberry jam on a cracker)
Camembert (or Brie) & pear.3
Or some other sweetish fuit (apricots work well too).
1 slice Plastic cheese + 1 English Muffin.4
... And you've just made yourself a Maccas Cheeseburger! (only way yummier and without the pickle)
Brie & Salmon/Caviar dip on water crackers.5
Don't use real caviar you dob, cheap fake stuff all the way!
Coon Tasty/Vintage & Jelly.6
That's Jelly as in *I love aeroplane jellyyy* not the American Jelly(Jam)
Cream Cheese & Mushrooms.7
put it on bread, on a biccie, in a salad...
Mozzarella & Chocolate Icecream .8
Homer Hudsons. *sighs*
Ricotta & Spinach & Olive Tapenade.9
On a pizza!
Mac & Cheese!.10
duh~!
1.EAT
2.Bake
(when there's no edible food to do the above)
3.Walk the Dogs
hey atleast it's exercising
4.Guitar
5.BLog
6.Blog stalk
7.Watch Friends/Grey's/GossipGirl
or any other available show/movie
8.Read
9.Beautify
10.Make Lists
hmmm
I'm short .1
I get weirded out by things being behind my neck .2
I can't sing in choirs. I hate it when people whisper in my ear. It just freaks me out
I DON'T like clowns .3
no... seriously... don't laugh...
Ignore me if I'm being lame .4
Okay so that one's not a fact but more of a warning. haha
I bite my nails.5
It's a habit! and I HAVE tried stopping... =/
My hair is brown .6
I put this fact in because for some reason it always provokes a *OMGSH Em your hair is BROWN!* when I step out into the sun, even from friends who've known me for years
I'm short sighted.7
I HATE it!If I look like I'm looking right at you then most likely you just look like a fuzz of colour to me
I sing in the shower .8
Music makes me HAPPY .9
I don't believe that ANYONE can be summed up in 10 dot points.10
But hey, here's a start
1.Celery
$500-2000: EEEEWWWWEEWWWEWEWW. just thinking of it makes me wanna rinse my mouth out
2.Durian
$200-300: You either love it or you hate it. unfortunately for me my whole family loves it.. and hence tries to force feed me every time. -dudes, it's not like i'm gonna grow into the taste!
3.Canned Bamboo
$50-200: (depending on the amount).
4.Chicken heart
$70-100: like the type you find in combination Pho- I refused $20 from my dad to eat it the other day (but that's coz i felt guilty for taking his money).
5.Blood Cubes
$20-100: Also a Random ingredient in Pho...WHY would anyone eat bloood unless they were a)RETARDED or b)a vampire!? .
and that's the end of the list folks! wow, I really can't think of anything else I wouldn't eat [except for the obvious dog shit, ear wax etc....] haha!
Preface note: obviously there are the classic perfect time wasting sites - Postsecret blog, FML, youtube, facebook and the lot. These are on the top of my list when in need of some good procrastinating material, but with true boredom comes the necessity for a list of web surfing material a tad longer than that. I'm constantly pickign the following from other sites, recommendations and magazines. so here goes.
1. 1000 awesome things
It's a site, that's updated every week, uses the word "awesome" liberally, reminds us of the absolute beauty of said "awesome" things such as the smell of rain on a hot sidewalk, repeditive sneezing and fresh underwear. it's like the opposite of fml. love it!
2. rotten tomatoes
By far the best in movie reviews. Be wary that they are particularly in favour of Indie and aternative films, classics and black humour, so if thats not your thing thentake note. Good thing that's exactly the sort of Friday night flick I'd put my feet up to
3. Paper Radio
Just found it today - not quite clear on what it is. Kind of curious to fnd out. Great design site too.
4. Picdit
Some pretty neat artsy things
5. Three Thousand
My numberone to go to when you need something to do next Saturday night. Updated everyweek. I subscribe to them so not to worry
6. The Disign Files
Hear this is a good place to waste your time. yet to have fully checked it out but from what i've seen so far it looks suave!
7.Etsy
.
9.
10.